As a woman in a patriarchy you’ve played a role. All your life, or at least from around age 3.
By now, you’re done.
Done with the role.
Done with the performing.
Done with the limitations.
Done with the shrinking and self-effacement.
Done with carrying the load for everyone.
Time to change.
Rather, time to return to yourself and decide from there who you want to be.
That can be challenging and daunting.
Challenging because having catered to everyone but yourself, you may no longer know what you like.
Daunting, because no matter your resolve, it feels scary to stop the performance. It’s provided comfort and security, and… validation for so long. Not leaving it behind feels just as terrible.
Maybe you already took your first steps.
And your results were less than encouraging. Because you inadvertently stumbled into some of the pitfalls, or you tried common advice and it didn’t quite work for you.
Common advice sucks
You’re not alone.
I’ve stumbled many times. And I’ve tried the common women empowerment advice. Done so ever since my first major depressive episode. Sometime in my early thirties. That’s 3 decades ago.
That common advice? It sounds good, empowering (d’oh):
Lean in. Get more confident. Speak up. Take up space. Do your affirmations. Think positive. Dream big. Fake it till you make it. Change your thoughts, change your life.
Many of them work. For some time.
Many of them backfire. Because women adopting behaviors men are lauded for, get punished for it.
Many are ineffective or simply not for you.
But the promises often are larger than the results you get. I’ve actually been told I must not have followed the advice well enough… Ya. Hmm. Well. Don’t get me on my high horse.
Doesn’t mean you’re doomed.
You can have your cake and eat it too.
But it takes adjusting in a way that allows you to be you, to stand tall, to hold your head high.
And do so while avoiding the penalties for showing up as too masculine. Mostly.
Truly shaking the shackles
Shaking the shackles of patriarchy’s social conditioning, as inflicted upon you by similarly conditioned women and men, takes transforming your beliefs.
That takes genuine self-work, no matter the quick fixes some are promising.
Without the self-work, unless you’re extremely lucky or a true exception, all changes you make have a limited shelf-life.
They last until the shit hits the fan and life serves you a boatload of lemons in quick succession.
Help is around the corner
If you’d like some help with that, start with reading my thinking on Deliberately Difficult & Laughing and on 42 Sidenotes.
If you’d like more personal guidance, I’m here.
I do know, from personal experience, that working with a properly trained (certified or not) life coach accelerates the process.
Why me
I know the struggles women face.
As an undiagnosed neurodivergent, I spent 60 years masking, dropping the mask, and racing to put it back on again at the merest sign of push back.
As a woman, I was (and am) societally conditioned to shrink. Had a hard time with that. Especially in meritocracies that suffer nonetheless from gender-bias. Always knew I was smart, or as I used to put it “not exactly dumb”. Little wonder in hindsight. Being in the top 2% of smartie pants makes it pretty hard to shrink to non-threatening proportions.
Ended up doing my darndest to comply with gendered social norms and neurotypical expectations.
Always looking for ways to (make it easier to) comply with expectations while my brain screamed that something wasn’t adding up.
That’s 60 years of observing, spotting patterns (something I am incapable of not doing), and analyzing causes and the systems at play. Mixed with 35 years in software development — thinking in systems, identifying failure modes, distinguishing stated from actual behavior.
It shaped me. It primed me.
I see mechanisms beneath symptoms. The patterns others swim in but can’t name. The architecture of how patriarchy works and keeps everyone — women and men — in a double, even triple, bind.
In other words: I know what you’re going through.
I’ve been there. Still am. Because as you transform your conditioned beliefs, others rise to the surface. Also, old tapes tend to pipe up with monotonous regularity. Usually, when shit hits the fan or life throws you that boat load of lemons.
Fair warning, though:
I’m not for everyone
If you need someone who won’t challenge your thinking — I’m not your person.
But if you want someone who cuts through bullshit with Dutch directness, and helps you move from socially domesticated to authentically and confidently you?
Let’s have a chat over coffee or tea. No strings attached.
Shoot me a mail or book a slot in my calendar. Details on the contact page.
Marjan Venema
Taiko drummer
Former ghostwriter, content marketer, software professional, and a whole host of other stuff.