As a woman in a patriarchy you’ve played a role. All your life, or at least from around age 3.
By now, you’re done.
Done with the role.
Done with the performing.
Done with the limitations.
Done with the shrinking and self-effacement to keep others comfortable.
Done with carrying loads that aren’t yours to carry.
Time to change.
Actually, time to return to yourself and decide from there who you want to be.
But no matter your resolve, it feels daunting to shed the mask. Because it’s provided comfort and security for so long. Leaving that behind feels scary. Not leaving it behind feels just as terrible.
Caught between a rock and a hard place is what we call that.
But both the rock and the hard place can move.
“All” you have to do is grow and you’ll naturally and organically drive them apartspace between them.
Enough with the metaphor.
Common advice sucks
I’ve tried the common women empowerment advice ever since my first major depressive episode.
Lean in. Get more confident. Speak up. Take up space. Do your affirmations. Think positive. Dream big. Fake it till you make it. Change your thoughts, change your life.
Many of them work. For some time at least.
Many of them backfire. Because women adopting behaviors men are lauded for, get punished for it.
Many are ineffective or simply not for you.
Doesn’t mean you’re doomed.
You can have your cake and eat it too.
But it takes adjusting in a way that allows you to be you, to stand tall, and hold your head high. And do so while mostly avoiding the penalties for showing up as too masculine.
Truly shaking the shackles
Shaking the shackles of patriarchy’s social conditioning, as inflicted upon you by similarly conditioned women and men, takes transforming your beliefs.
It takes genuine self-work, no matter what some coaches, teachers, and gurus are promising.
Without that, unless you’re extremely lucky or a true exception, all changes you make have a limited shelf-life. They last until the shit hits the fan or life serves you a boatload of lemons in quick succession.
If you’d like some help with that, start with reading my thinking on Deliberately Difficult & Laughing and on 42 Sidenotes.
If you’d like more personal guidance, I’m here.
I do know, from personal experience, that working with a properly trained life coach (certified or not) accelerates the process.
Why me
I know the struggles women face and can articulate it.
As an undiagnosed neurodivergent, I spent 60 years masking, dropping the mask, and quickly putting it back on again when venturing outside my comfort zone.
As a woman, I was societally conditioned to shrink. Ended up doing my darndest to comply with neurotypical expectations while my brain screamed that something wasn’t adding up.
That’s 60 years of observing and digging into on masking, conditioning, and the gap between what people say versus what they actually do. Mixed with 35 years in software development — thinking in systems, identifying failure modes, distinguishing stated from actual behavior.
I see mechanisms beneath symptoms. The patterns others swim in but can’t name. The architecture of how patriarchy works and keeps everyone — women and men — in a double, even triple, bind.
In other words: I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there. Still often am. Because the old tapes tend to pipe up. Usually, when shit hits the fan or life throws you a boat load of lemons.
Fair warning, though
I’m not for everyone
If you need someone who won’t challenge your thinking — I’m not your person.
But if you want someone who cuts through bullshit with Dutch directness, and helps you move from socially domesticated to authentically you?
Marjan Venema
Taiko drummer
Former ghostwriter, content marketer, software professional, and a whole host of other stuff.